A little over a year ago I was feeling very defeated. Like so many of us did during the shut-down phase of this pandemic, I turned to food to comfort me. Home bound with all three kids at all of their different stages of learning and remote schooling, there was alot of juggling just to make it through each day. I was helping Caidence with her Algebra while monitoring zoom calls and worksheets for Veronica, keeping Henry entertained as quietly as possible while John navigated working from home with zoom call meetings and deadlines. I often felt like pulling my hair out.
So I did what any sensible person would do…I ordered pizza.
And Chinese. And comforted myself with the only thing in my life I could control – food. The very dangerous addition of Instacart to our lives meant that I could order a family size bag of Resee’s cups (which I failed to share with said family) and have them delivered to my front door in less than 2 hours. How convenient!
But these guilty pleasures added up quickly, and before long I had ballooned to the heaviest I have ever been. At 241 lbs, l had little to no energy and just needed something to kick start me into weight loss.
I found a program that fit my needs and I committed to losing 100 lbs. As scary as that number sounded, I knew that it was a reasonable goal, and I jumped in with both feet. One of the major changes I had to make was water intake, which has always been difficult for me. It would help if it didn’t taste as bland as, well….water! But by day three, I was downing 100 oz. of water a day like it was nothing. By the end of the first week, I had lost 11.t lbs!!!
The next few months went by alot more quickly that I would’ve thought. You would think that missing out on all of the foods that you have grown to love would be a slow torture, but my body quickly adapted to the changing menu and I felt more energetic than I had in years and I wasn’t dealing with the upset stomach problems like I had with my unhealthy diet. I was hitting goals right and left, and one of my favorite achievements was hitting 50 lbs down! I was a mere 14 weeks into my journey and I celebrated by visiting the local grocery store and photographing myself holding 50lbs worth of flour!! Man, was that heavy!
Over the course of 6 months, I lost 70 lbs. I have never felt so on top of the world as I did last summer. I wish that I could say that I continued on my journey from there, but the truth is that I allowed myself to start making excuses. It started with just joining in on pizza night. What could a few slices of pizza hurt? Well, they wouldn’t have if I would have let it stop there. And here is where I let you in on my painful truth.
I am embarrassed to say that I put most of the weight back on.
It didn’t happen because I had little cheats here and there. Or because I slipped and had a 2nd cookie. This was self sabotage. This was depression. Exhaustion through busy wedding season and taking the easy way out. It was much simpler to pick up fast food for dinner than to spend an hour preparing a meal that the kids would reject. I found myself sitting in my car eating an entire box of donuts more times that I would ever like to admit. I knew what I was doing was harmful, erasing all of my hard work. I watched as the weight started come back.
I kept promising myself that I was going to start back on Monday.
All of the old lies that I told myself for years. But I was so frustrated with myself that I had backtracked so much – that I would be starting over. I wasted time complaining about the time that had been wasted. But I am not starting over. I do have a lot of the weight to lose again. But I already know that I can do it. That’s a big step all by itself! So today is Monday, and I am proud to say that I am starting fresh. A journey isn’t a straight line and the only thing that matters is that I keep working to be a better version of myself.